It might not be readily obvious from the number of books I’ve put out since May 2021, but I gave up on my dreams of being a writer a year ago.
That sounds awful, I know, but life is awful. Everything that gave me the ability to pursue my writing career, every privilege I had that gave me the security and confidence to leave my job to write full time, was taken away from me. I was hemorrhaging my savings to save one cat after losing the other. I was being forced out of the home I’d been promised would always be mine. I was going to have to go back to my old job and move hundreds of miles away if I was going to avoid financial ruin…and then I couldn’t get my old job back due to what amounted to corporate incompetence that had nothing to do with me.
Financial ruin happened.
Suicidal depression happened.
Curling up in the fetal position for hours on end staring at a wall while the same movie played over and over again happened.
Cutting happened. Not to make light of it, but I’m 40 goddamn years old and I had to pull that teenage bullshit for the first time since Buffy was cancelled to keep myself topside.
I tell you all this not for your sympathy (or any sort of Third Eye Blind “Jumper” talking me off the ledge shit, I’m okay). I make poor life choices, and that’s reflected in the fact that I’m now getting paid a dollar less for a part time version of a job I had full time for years and I’m living in my parents’ 22′ camper trailer because apartments don’t rent to part-timers. I’ve been evicted from enough of my ‘friends’ homes to know that 1) I’m a horrible judge of character and/or 2) I am awful. It is what it is. Honestly, the camper isn’t even that bad, although we’ll revisit that during hurricane season.
No, I tell you all this because I need y’all to not judge me too harshly about my new book.
Like I said, I haven’t written in a year. The rough draft of Abe’s Summer Vacation, the prequel novella for my Candy For Demons series, was written in April 2021, mostly finished before I lost Ackmena. The four compilations I put out in the fall, Space Brothel and the Flesh Flash series (as C.B. Alice) were all plucked from my Medium articles. I’ve also gone stagnant over there. I attempted a thing in October to help some fellow writers get more follows, but I was only able to write a few before everything just got too much for me.
My two Vella stories? Girlfriend by the Hour (as C.B. Alice) is the first romance I ever wrote. Part of my motivation in launching the new pen name was to give Girlfriend a home, because contemporary erotic romance doesn’t fit the Chloe Alice Balkin brand. As for Kymani, it’s still not finished yet.
I’m sorry. It’s on my list, I swear. It’s even outlined.
I’m not going to lie, my life isn’t good right now. But it’s stable, and I like to think I can deal with stable. With that in mind, I’ve decided to dip my toes ever so hesitantly into writing again. And since I’m not 100% sure about this, I’m doing stuff for that erotica pen name. I don’t want to get anyone too excited about my comeback. If I fail, no one will notice if all I’m publishing is inconsequential smut.
Presidential smut.
But not, like, Biden or Trump slash fic. Just, you know, a president. An easy little short fuck-fest with a smidge of romantic subplot to start your day.
Also, with the worst title ever because I’m an adult and I do what I want.
It’s kind of trash, but it has a happy ending. And I’ve got three more little smuts coming out this summer. After that?
Wherever the road takes me, I suppose.
C. A. Balkin 